I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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