i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Randomize
