there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
