I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
