walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
