I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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