I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
