id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
