booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
