the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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