It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
