he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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