dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
