yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.