oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
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she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
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We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10