How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer