Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
