I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
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That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
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You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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