I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
