by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
