I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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