Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
