Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
