apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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