Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
