Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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