Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
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I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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