Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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