i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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