guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Randomize
