Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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