I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
We have started to decorate penises.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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