Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
