I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
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