then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
