we made out on top of his cat.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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