dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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