I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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