1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
