i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize