Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Will exercising make me less horny?
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