Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
He felt like a one man threesome
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Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
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Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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