He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
