totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Randomize
