bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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