I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
