I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
