I could make wine with my vomit
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
this is an emotional support booty call
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
