I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Randomize
