he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
