I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Drunk is a universal language darling
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