just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
