I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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