I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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