If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
