When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
