After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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