he puts the penis in happiness.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
