he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
