I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
